For as long as I can remember, I have been rushing through my life. What is my big hurry you might wonder? I never really have a reason to rush through things but I seem to most of the time. I remember in school always rushing through my work, through my homework, eating really quickly and constantly multitasking. As though the end result is more important than experiencing what I am doing. Even when it is something I am really really enjoying, I seem to wanna just rush through it and be done with it, ready to move on to the next thing. I can even relate this to the most enjoyable things in life; eating a delicious meal, making love, playing, dance classes, gardening...I have a really hard time deeply dropping into what I am doing, constantly feeling pressured to move along more quickly.
Nearly a year ago, my menstrual cycles stopped. Since I am only 39 I have embarked on the journey of understanding what is happening within my body. From what I have come to understand, a woman's menses commonly stop prior to menopause if she is an athlete, if she is vegan or if she is experiencing chronic stress. I quickly realized the big changes I needed to make in my life, since only the latter applied to me. Our nervous systems support our endocrine systems (hormonal system), and so if our nervous systems are taxed from too much stress, the rest of the body has a difficult time functioning properly; to put it simply. (I loved this podcast on the subject. It touches on women as cyclical beings and why our cycles are our superpower as well as the link between our nervous system and our endocrine system).
I hadn't realized how much my anxiety disorder had taken over my life. I was in constant fight or flight mode and not sleeping well. I was also constantly rushing through my life, feeling stressed from doing too much and always feeling like I don't have enough time to do it all. I could actually literally feel my energetic body moving along to the next thing as I would do things throughout the day, fully operating from a place of wanting to get as much done in a day as possible. I had stopped enjoying my life because I wasn't even fully living it. I was the opposite of present in the present moment and although I consider myself an embodied person, I wasn't even checking in somatically at all before taking on projects or activities as well as constantly over scheduling mine and my family's life.
Then one day, when I was telling my dear ritualist witch sister friend Saera Burns (through clairvoyant council & earth-based rituals, she supports clients wield magical authority when facing transitions in life) about all this, she turned to me and said "What was your birth like?" (She has the tendency of quite literally seeing what is underneath all the layers). This was a huuuugely profound AHA moment for me!!! Oh yes of course, it all makes sense to me now. This feeling of literally feeling like my energetic body is about 5 feet ahead of my own body a lot of the time, as I move through life. As though I was being pulled away from my physical body, completely just stripped away from the present moment. Leaving me in a state of disconnection, anxiety, stress and often dizzy. As you may have read in Johanne's (my mom) birth story, she was induced. The classic typical hospital story of the doctor feeling like her labour had gone long enough, when in reality it was progressing at a very normal pace for a first time birth. They broke her waters first. And once pitocin was introduced through IV she went from 4cm to fully dilated and me being born within two hours. She said that after the first few drops, things kicked into action in such an intense way that she asked them to stop it. (Click here for podcast episode on side effects of pitocin).
I was rushed out of my mother's womb. This, to me now, feels like a violation. The life long imprint I now live with is massive and runs deep within my programming. That's what I believe and sense anyway. So now, I am on the journey of calling myself back to myself. Reintegrating parts of me, pulling back the energy that was taken from me. I was already a natural birth advocate before realizing this and now even more so. If there is no real emergency, there should not be an intervention. Ever.